Purple Gnomes?

So, I am masturbating in my boyfriend's bed while he is in the shower. I know this seems like a lot of information, but I promise, it's worth knowing in the end.

Anyhow, I hear my boyfriend ending his shower, but he stays a little longer in the bathroom to let me finish my business. As I am finishing up I see him walk by the doorway, completely naked. He waves, and I notice he is holding a gnome over his private parts. I laugh and ask him "Were you holding a gnome on your penis?" he says yes and chuckles of course that makes me laugh. I lay there a little while longer basking in the afterglow, waiting for him to come in to get dressed.

When he walks back into the bedroom, I am still lying in his bed, grinning from ear to ear. I ask him "So, where did you get that gnome from anyway?" He looks at me like I have just sprouted donkey ears and an elephant trunk. "What the hell are you talking about," he asks me. This is when I start to doubt myself. I told him that he had said yes when I asked him about the gnome before and his reply was, "Dude, I thought you were just playing around, I thought it was odd, but that's just the way you are sometimes."

Ok, I have to say, I started to lose it at that moment. I explained to him that I had seen him walk by, naked, with a gnome covering his junk. He asks me "Did the gnome wave at you? How was he holding on? Were you fantasizing about gnomes while I was in the shower? Good lord, I knew you were freaky but I had no idea that it went that far." By this time I am in tears laughing at my insanity but I tell him, "no man, you were holding it, it was a gnome wearing a purple jacket and yellow hat."

"Breeah, have you gone insane?" he says. I realize then that I have just completely faded away, I have completely lost my marbles, I have finally sunk away into a delayed, yet permenant acid trip. I have been known to have random hallucinations, but never in my entire life have I hallucinated something so real. I get out of the bed, determined to return to normalcy, but I just can't do it. I cannot accept that I have just hallucinated something so huge.

I stand in the hallway, compltely naked, hair standing on end, with a dumbfounded look on my face. I look into the bathroom, no gnome there. I think to myself "if I don't actually find a gnome, will I ever fully understand the extreme to which I have lost my mind?" I look into the living room, still looking like a naked Madusa, lost on a deserted island, no brain in site. No gnome there. I open the hallway door, and what do I see staring back at me???

A porcelain gnome in a yellow jacket and purple hat.

In Rebuttal

If you like to read my blog, if you think that I am even remotely funny, check this site out. I am hoping, with an influx of readers, he will write more.

Come on folks, let's give him the motivation to make us laugh more!!!

ataraxia

Mother Goddess... Come Back

You know, back in the day, before women were considered the inferior gender, we were thought to have elaborate and extravagant magical powers. We were goddesses, heads of household and distinctive politicians. Once a month we would travel with other women to palaces, sit on silk pillows, wrapped in gauze, and fed grapes by women servants, no men allowed during this especially magical time. The men weren't allowed, of course, because it was well known that they would only cause aggravation having the potential to turn the magical powers to evil. Society was smart back then.

I started thinking about this today. I'm on my bitch... and it sucks. I'm not talking about all the gory details here; I am just talking about the general and common emotional turmoil. My boyfriend, last night, after an explosion fit for no one, told me that he had no point of reference to empathize with my emotional distress, so I am here to clarify. Men, be cautious, scenes may be graphic. Women, I know that you can all understand!!!!

I have to start this out by saying I had the most fantastic day yesterday. Went vintage warehouse digging, house hunting and snuggling with my boy. We both went our separate ways after making plans to hang out later that night. I went out to dinner with my friend and talked about how amazing the relationship was growing and how much I was in love. I told her about how we were thinking of taking the big leap to move in together in 6 months (after my lease is up), and how arguments were very few and far between. I opened my big mouth just a moment to soon, at least on the part of arguing.

Fast forward to 10:30, boy nowhere in site, haven't heard from him since 8:30. Silly me, instead of taking the high road and hanging out with my friends, I have decided to take the low road. I sit in his house, and simmer in my own anger. Normally, this type of thing requires a simple yet firm "I wish you would have called" and move on, but no, when I am on my bitch, I grow horns.
He walks in, and looks at me, that's it, he looks at me, and I am off the wall. Instead of the oh so easy, "hey, here's what I am feeling", I scream, "how dare you think your time is more important than mine", "how can you be so selfish", and "you inconsiderate jackass!!!" I wonder now, how I could have been surprised that he took off, out the door, before I could calm down.

Some one tell me, please, how this could have happened? I am an emotional person by default but I have learned how to rationalize myself out of it when necessary. Last night it was necessary and somehow I managed to lose every single skill in human relations I have ever learned. Again, can anyone tell me how this could have happened?

Next question, who can be to blame? It can't be me; I was not in control of the situation or myself at all. In the heat of the moment I felt like a green scaly monster all covered with pink polka dots and magenta horns. I could feel lime ooze springing from my pores and hear my own evil magical powers twinkling in my ears. At that moment, I felt that if I just willed it hard enough I could "binkle, binkle, bink," him into submission, I Dream of Genie style. Could it be him? Sure, he didn't call, but I didn't even wait for an explanation, that ended up being a pretty good one. Nope, it was not he who was to blame; he was an innocent bystander to my alter-alien outbreak.

So, who could it be? Maybe it's some alien civilization who has nothing better to do than watch women grow horns and men run, with their tails between their legs, to the nearest cave so they can lick their wounds. Maybe it is the Mother Goddess, punishing us all for forgetting her name. Could it be some elaborate joke, set up by the earth, to get us back for all the drilling, fighting, and squandering of her resources? Or maybe, just maybe, it's hormones. Hormones, those crazy little somethings in our bodies that help us reproduce, you know, make babies. If only they weren't such a necessity, we could just get rid of them all together.

You see, here's the thing, when the bitch is in town we all react differently. I have one friend who locks herself into her spacious bedroom and eats chocolate ice cream until she can feel her heart about to burst. No one is allowed in her room during this time and she doesn't see anyone. She takes the week off of work and never has any problems. I have another friend who wears her pajamas to school and doesn't shower. She doesn't seem to have any problems either, maybe because she smells bad, but whatever, it works for her. Another friend suffers from menstrual depression and it is no exaggeration when I tell you that when something as harmless as soap commercials come on the TV or radio and that girl is on the floor curled in a little ball crying her eyes out. Me, I am pretty even keeled, until I get upset. After that it is probably best if you just turn around and run away quickly. I could, of course, lock myself in a room, or make myself completely unpresentable to society, but I can't. I love being alive, surrounding myself with wonderful people and doing fun things. I would sincerely feel like I was missing out if I just disappeared for a week a month. At least, if I had to go by myself like my friends do.

So, wouldn't it be nice to go back to the old days? Send the women away for a week of pampering and exclusion from the outside world. We could eat ourselves fat and happy, smother ourselves in chocolate ice cream, swim in it if we felt the need. We could laze around on fluffy pillows and gossip to our hearts content. More importantly we would be refrained from hurting the poor and unsuspecting boys in our lives. We could protect them from the balled up tissues, the chocolate soup spilled on the pillows, and the magenta horns sprouting from scary green and pink polka dotted monsters that ooze misunderstood lime hormones.

All By My Sel-el-elf

Recently I have come across a new concept. Quality time spent... alone. Alone? Who would have thought spending time by yourself could be as entertaining as spending time with other people?
I can remember days long ago when the time I shared in the company of myself was my most treasured. I remember long road trips with caramel apple lollipops, and really loud music blasting from my speakers. I remember random truck stops and crappy diners. I can even remember the time I picked up my first hitchhiker at a Burger King in Ohio. I remember long walks on the beach and hiking up the mountain at Maverick's to watch the surfers at sunset. I remember all those things that I used to do on my own, and can't remember how I did it.

I am not entirely sure when my love of alone time dissapated, but I now know that it has. Strangely I can remember being in a crappy relationship and struggling to get just one minute of alone time, one moment where I was not hearing his voice or feeling his presence. I fought tooth and nail to get the hell out of that house and be alone. But once that crappy relationship ended I was not prepared for the pure solitude that comes with being alone. So until recently I have surrounded myself by at least one other person at all times, even when I am asleep.Then one day I had an epiphany "Good Lord, I must be really freaking annoying to everyone that I know." I realized then that this fear of aloneness is something that I need to work on actively, as talking about it just never quite provides the outcome you are expecting.


There was going to be more to this, but I decided I was sick of looking at it in my draft section. So... you get the unfinished version.
Sorry

Silly Me, Punked Again By A Liar

Here I am again, about to divulge more than I intended. I wish I didn't have to, but I feel like if I don't get it out I will not accomplish all the things I have to do today. I don't really even know how to start this except to just start with my first friendship gone awry.
I have a friend who is smarter than any person I have ever met in my life. She has been strong in herself and her beliefs and has been eager to become an extraordinary person. I have raved about her to all I know and hoped for nothing but the best for her. I have been at her side and as she has been at mine through the randomest of moments, happily. We have had our issues, as do all new relationships, but I hate to admit that this relationship is more strained than it has ever been.

Recently she met a man that makes her incredibly happy. At the start of this relationship I was thrilled for her. She was still her strong, amazing, motivated self and she still viewed our friendship as a valued one. I could initially see that she was struggling to find a new balance and tried to respect that, while still letting her know that our relationship was important enough to make time for. But then she started to shade the truth a bit.

It all started with a party, a party that I was never intended to go to. Doesn't really seem like that big of an issue at first glance, but the way that it played out is what started the initial strain of a pretty awesome friendship. My friend invited me to a party. I had talked to her about it at length; I had even talked to her about it the night before. The day of the party I asked her about it over text messages but heard no reply. I assumed, as she was hanging out with her boyfriend, that they were busy and I would hear from her later. That night I got ready in the apartment next to hers and waited to hear from her. After I had gotten ready I called and left her a voicemail, and just assumed that she would come knock on the door prior to leaving. About 30 minutes after my phone call I went outside to smoke and noticed that her car was already gone. So I called her again. She picked up the phone and told me they were on the way to the party already, that they wanted to hang out later and were going to use me as an excuse to come home early. She had a nervous laugh because she knew I was pissed, and because she could probably discern that I knew she had lied to me. To make matters worse, this was a week after I had told her I felt like she was slowly ditching me for her boyfriend. After I had let my anger die down for a few days we talked about it. She apologized for lying to me and said that this was a pattern she was trying to change. Being a person full of character flaws and bad patterns myself, I decided to accept this, and forgave her.

More recently, my friend has had to make some pretty heavy decisions about what she wants to do with her life after graduation. I know this is a very, very difficult time for all people and have been through it myself after getting out of the military. She has thrown a few of her options out to me and I have tried to give her support, the best advice I have and voice my concern when I feel it is necessary. This is when things started to go terribly wrong. On my part I probably could have been more supportive and less concerned, on hers she could have tried to realize that I am so protective because I do not want her to hurt.

Driving in the car not too long ago, my friend mentioned to me that she was thinking of buying a house. I told her that I thought buying a house was a great way to invest, but typically demands a lot of time and energy in the initial stages of home ownership. I tried to tell her some of the things that she might want to think about before buying a house such as: Having a stable career, as the beginnings of a new career take a ton of time and energy to get off the ground and establishing a good reputation is key for continuance of that career. Being in a location that you know you want to spend a lot of time in, up unto this point my friend has been completely anti-St. Louis. And finally having a financial cushion just in case something terrible should happen. She listened politely and said nothing else of the subject.

Next thought, again driving in my car, on our way to a party, my friend tells me that she and her boyfriend are talking about moving in together. Of course I was shocked as they had only known each other since December and had only been dating since January (this conversation was in February). I told her that I thought it was awesome that she had found someone that she was falling in love with but it all seemed a little rushed, and that rushing is typically the downfall of many a good relationship. She told me, with a smile, "Breeah, I really do appreciate you telling me how shitty your life has been, but don't think I am rushing into these decisions." I now realize that instead of saying, "Of course, you're right" I should have said "Honey, my life has not been shitty. My life is a product of all the crappy decisions I have made in my life. Had I listened to my friends and family when they told me I was rushing, I would not have had to go through so much pain." But even now, I realize that this wouldn't have made any difference. We all have to make our decisions, good or bad, and learn from them. I know, for sure, that I did and no one could have told me otherwise. But then I started to have the sinking feeling that she was lying to me again. And I was right.

Seeing my friend less and less, we talk mostly through text messages. I have asked her how she was doing and she would say "fine", or other basic, generic replies that were dramatically different than the long and descriptive messages from before boyfriend days. I would ask her what she had done all day and she would say "worked" or "hung out with boyfriend" etc. I knew something was up, being a self-proclaimed, previous life liar, I should have evaluated more closely, but I am a paradoxical thinker and never really believe my true instinct. Instead of going to her and asking her what the hell was going on, I just assumed it would all work itself out. I was wrong.

A week ago, I finally got to hang out with my friend, and her boyfriend. We went out to dinner and were having a very nice time, just catching up and such. She seems distracted by the lull in the conversation and finally says "I know you think it's a bad idea, but I just want you to be happy for me." I watch her pull a printed piece of paper out of her purse and says, "Here is the house I am starting negotiations on next week, we have already been to look at it, my realtor... etc, etc." I lied, I told her I was happy for her, I told her it was a great idea, she knew I was lying. I realized that all of those "working", "hanging out with boyfriend" type text messages were lies. Maybe not outright lies, but for such a close friendship, lies by omission. She said "And I always thought buying a house was such a grown up decision" as I pasted on a smile and thought to myself "It is a grown up decision, I can't believe I let myself get lied to again".

I haven't really talked to her much since then, although being civil. I am having trouble deciding what to do about this fucked up situation. I miss the friendship we had, where we told each other everything, but I will not be lied to again, and I realize that it's probably going to take a while for me to believe another word she says. I want to be happy for her when she tells me about her house, but I feel like she didn't want me in the beginning of it, why should I rush to help her now. I want her to be happy, but I have a hard time as I watch her make all the same decisions I did not too long ago. I want to be supportive, but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to be there but am not willing to wait around until she needs me.

Situation two, much shorter, and to the point. Yesterday was going awesome, it was beautiful outside, I was hanging out with my monster and enjoying my day off. I went home to walk my dog and hang out with my kitties for a while when I got a very unusual phone call from my friend Jake.

Jake and I have been friends since 1998, and dated for a short time in 1998. We were cut off from communication for a while but picked it back up and realized that we had been fantastic friends. We are now working on our 7th year of a long distance (he lives in Seattle), purely platonic friendship.

We don't get to talk for 6 months out of the year because he is on an icebreaker that travels great distances over the winter. During this last patrol he told me that he was engaged. I was thrilled, told him I could not wait to meet her, and that I was looking forward to the wedding (where he told me I would meet, and love her). He told me that he would be home in three days and that I should give him a call and we could talk, as it had been just over six months since we had spoken on the telephone.

On the day that he came home I called his phone. He picked up but said "hello, hello? Is there anyone there?" and then hung up. I assumed his cell was not working correctly as he had just gotten home and all the bugs weren't worked out yet. So the next morning I called again. I left a message on his phone saying "hey buddy, glad you are back in town, call when you get this."

Then came the most random phone call I have ever gotten. I saw Jake's phone number flash on my phone, and I picked up the phone, excitedly. "Jake, honey, so glad to hear your voice! How the hell have you been??" A short silence and then "Breeah, I don't know how many times I have told you, but you need to stop calling me. I know it's been a long time but you have to move on." Flabbergasted, I stuttered "Jake, what the hell are you talking about? I talked to you three days ago and you told me to call you." No reply to my words just "Look, you need to stop calling me; it's over, just move on." Finally I got it and I said "Oh, I see, she is standing right there, that is so sad, I never knew you were such a pussy." Immature on my part? Probably a little. But 7 years of friendship down the tubes for a girl.

Silly me, punked again by a liar.