I Like, Totally Love You, Dude!

I said this once, on accident to my boyfriend (on accident only because I meant for it to come out a lot more heartfelt and not so slang-gy), and it has just stuck. I love the phrase, and the people who get to hear it from my mouth are very special indeed.

A long time ago (ok, really, it wasn't all that long ago) those three special little words meant nothing to me. I would hear them following hours of beratement or would hear them from people who "needed" something from me and I, fessing up for a little bit of responsibility, I would say them to get what I wanted as well. There were few people who actually got the feelings behind the words. Those who did, still get them today, but like I said, there were few, I could count them on one hand (and they all know who they are). But lately I feel like those few are growing tremendously.

Last night I had an amazing time. I got to hang out with a whole bunch of my friends, and talk until late in the evening. It was a special celebration for three of them, all celebrating birthdays. One of the people celebrating their birthday was a man who I hold very close to my heart. I don't know him that well but when I see him, I feel a little bit happier. He is an older man with this whole... professional, a little bit overweight, Elvis Costello thing going on. And as you can probably predict, I Like, Totally Love Him, Dude.

Ok, so, where does this whole love thing come from? I have already told you that I don't know him that well. He is much, much older than me, and I am sure by the sounds of it, does not exactly fit the description of someone I would hang out with. Well, not a single one of those things matter to me. He is amazing. When I see him he is always happy and funny, he is full of strength, joy and gratitude, he is full of love for everyone he knows and he could sit and talk to you about how great everything is for hours. How could I not be positively affected by a person like this?

So, to continue my story... As I was sitting around chatting with my friends a card was going around for said man. "Happy Birthday" is what it said, but of course everyone is free to write more than that. Without hesitation, I wrote on his card, "insert name here I Like Totally Love You Dude. It has been great getting to know you, you are like the coolest around". Without hestitation... at least until the words were on paper, in pen. Of course my crazy, acceptance-seeking self, doubted my crazy, California slang. Well shit... it was already on paper, not much I could do at that point. I thought about it a bit, wishing I would have written something a little more appropriate, a little more heartfelt (see first paragraph), feeling bad, like he might think I was making a joke instead of being serious. But like I said, it was done, not much more I could do to fix it.

So, fast forward about an hour and a half. My friends are getting up and getting ready to head home, or out to dinner. I am saying my goodbyes, when said man walks up to me, card in his hand and tears in his eyes. "friend" I say to him, "what's wrong, aren't you happy on your birthday?" He looks at me with such love (you see, this man is really, really wonderful) and say "Breeah, coming from you... I am just so stunned." I didn't get it at first, I couldn't figure out why my lame ass comment had him so emotional. But he elaborated... "Coming from you, so young, so hip and beautiful... You, telling me, this old, silly man that he is cool. No other compliment has ever meant so much to me."

I couldn't believe it. I was shocked, dumbstruck, glued to the floor, as he hugged me the hardest anyone ever has. The tears in his eyes were real, what he said to me was real, his feelings were real. All of these things are new to me, reality is not as empty as I thought it might be. Reality means something completely different than it did in the past. Reality to me now means that the things I say are real, more importantly I think, is that the way I make people feel, with the things I say, are real.

This whole experience has made me realize that heartfelt is not a specific phrase, or tone. Heartfelt does not have to be cheesy or sappy. Heartfelt is just that... What you feel in your heart. Some people's heartfelt might be "I love you from the depths of my heart and soul." Others might say "My love runs deeper than the holler(your George Strait fans out there know what I'm talkin' bout)." And some more along the lines of "You are my sun, my moon and my stars (which I am definitely not complaining about!!)." But mine... mine is a little different. From my heart I will tell you...

I Like, Totally Love You, Dude!

Assignment

The following post was a suggestion made by a friend of mine... Write a letter to me, as if I have never met you. Tell as much or as little as you want, but tell me who you are. I was excited at first, and then realized that it is a difficult task to tell someone who you are when you are not exactly sure yourself. So, I suggest to you, if you are ever feeling out of touch, to sit down and write a letter to someone you don't know. Since you do not know them, you won't actually have to send it, so write as much or as little as you want, but tell yourself who you are. Trust me, this has been a learning experience I never expected.

My Assignment:

Dear Person I Don' t Know,

I have been struggling to write this letter to you. I have had a hard time balancing what is too much information and what is too little for an initial introduction. I could tell you about my past but that is no longer who I am. I could also write about my present but that does not fully describe who I am either. So I am going to try and combine them with the perfect balance.

My full name is Breeah Tamar XXXX (sorry guys, can't give it all out) and I was born on November 7th XXXX (also, security precautions here). The name is a mix between a stoned out slip up and different sections of the bible leaving most people confused by it's origins and my ethnicity. Being born in November has stuck me in the Scorpio sign dooming my personality with a jealous, manipulative and secretive nature but has also blessed me with passion and whole hearted love.

I am originally from a small town in Northern California and then from another small town in the Central Valley. My father passed away when I was young, leaving me with a step dad and three older brothers aging from 1 and 1/2 years to 6 years older than me. In our small town adventures I was involved with horses, rodeo competitions, cheerleading, swim team, multiple after school jobs and swing dancing. I absolutely hated my life there and left as soon as humanly possible.

When I was 17 I hopped on a plane headed for Cape May, New Jersey where I went to boot camp for the U. S. Coast Guard. In boot camp I learned about histories and traditions, gun control, water safety, exercise, brain washing and sleep deprivation. After two months of sharing 6 shower heads with 18 women, all I wanted to do was take a bath.

From Cape May, I moved to San Francisco where I earned my money by doing dishes, pulling weeds, painting curbs and rooms and moving furniture. It was in San Francisco that I learned about sexual discrimination and harassment. It was also where I learned to surf, chase dolphins and tourists, live big city life and clean buoys.

Next stop, Petaluma, California. It was in Petaluma where I learned about military human resources and met my best friend who caught my ear when he said that he wanted to be a priest but could not swallow all of the Catholic religion. I didn't spend long in Petaluma as they were only preparing me for my next unit.

Detroit, Michigan, the ghetto of all ghettos and best and worst bosses ever. I did a lot of things in Detroit that were not that interesting at the time, but when I tell the stories to other people always ooh and ahh. I was a human resources assistant, a security guard, a janitor and a supervisor. I investigated household goods claims, sexual harassment charges and deserter cases. I trained on pay, diversity and transitional processes. I volunteered and traveled extensively between Boston, California, Mexico and D. C. I honestly can say that half of my time in Detroit was spent in D.C. where I met my best friend's now wife (who became another of my closest friends) and was involved in September 11th. It was in Detroit that I got married and started school. It was in Detroit where I learned that I was not as old as I had initially thought I was.

Fast forward to two years ago on August 1st. My last move and hopefully I will stay for a while. I moved in with my husband's parents in South County and learned about where I would NOT be living. I transferred to a different school and tacked on another degree. I made friends with my mother in law and grew farther away from my husband once I stared to realize that he was having another relationship while I was 508 miles away, with his parents, in a strange city. He moved to St. Louis in February and even though we did not get along, we bought a loft downtown. On June 5th I finally gathered to courage to stand up for myself, and moved out.

After 4 years of having my every action controlled, my freedom made me a little crazy, I ran wild. I spent all of my money, bought new clothes, took trips and basically caused a ruckus. After my initial outburst however, I started to get involved in things that interested me. I became a trained advocate for Planned Parenthood and NARAL. I have been to Jefferson City to legislate for women's rights and know my city representative by face and name. I have been kicked off of CNN and MSNBC for being too political and almost got arrested at the Kerry/Bush Debates. I teach abused women how to work again after having been told that they were nothing and beaten within inches of their lives. I also give talks to unsuspecting college students about what it is like to be abused and how hard it is to get out of it. I answer a women's crisis line and have been known (rarely) to tag along on homeless and AIDS outreach. I love kids so I try and work with them regularly. I have been a girl scout leader, I work with developmentally disabled adolescents and will soon go on to work again with inner city schools in St. Louis with Americorps.

So, to try and summarize myself for you...

I am a, sometimes overzealous, advocate for human rights, whether the human is a woman, child, black, white, straight, gay, rich or poor. I am a college student who is completely burned out by the process of schooling. I am a disappointed daughter and sister, but love my family regardless. I am a girlfriend to a wonderful man, who makes my heart soar. I am an "almost mom" according to my boyfriend's daughter although I am terrified to tell her the truth, that getting married is pretty far from my mind at this point, that getting married again scares the crap out of me. I tell her the basic truth though... If it happens it won't be for a long time, we have to know each other VERY WELL before we even think about that. I also tell her that I will be here for her for as long as she wants me to be, although I am not sure a 9 year old can understand that. I have no roots and sometimes struggle to establish some. I have a dog and two cats and would starve myself in order to feed them, because they are my family. I have friends all over the world and each of them know that if they need me, I will be there, without hesitation. I am a complete person although at times I am a complete disaster. I am terrible with money and am always poor. I hate to do my dishes and abhor cleaning the cat box. I get lazy, I get manic, but I am happy with where I am today. I have lost friends and family by the buckets full but know they are still with me. Things have happened to me that make me think that I am connected to life and to my mother God.

With the good, with the bad, I am thankful to all.
Breeah