Is it?

Is it so hard?

This getting along thing?

This not being catty, backstabbing, bitchy, manipulative enemies, thing?

Is it so hard to have common courtesy and respect for others, even if you don't know them? Just on the basis of your understanding of the obstacles and hardships that come along with being a woman?

Is it so hard to put your friend's hurt or happiness before your own desirous lust, your own need to be adored and appreciated?

Or for that matter...

Is it so hard to put a stranger's hurt or happiness before your own desirous lust, your own need to be adored and appreciated?

Of course it is. It is damn near impossible for us to think about anyone but ourselves when our own feelings are involved. When it is our own emotional instability on the line. We might think about, in hindsight, the havoc we may have reeked in someone else's life. We might even feel bad about it, but 'shit, we got what we needed, so screw everyone else' (or maybe that is too harsh... nope, I have done it, and seen it done, therefore I feel justified in believing it).

Well let me tell you ladies, this shit will only get harder when you have no one to turn to.

Lot's of women that I know say things like "I don't trust other women" or "I'm just not comfortable around other women" or my all time favorite "I feel judged by other women" but then they go on to say things like "Stick with women, they may save your life some day". So, which do you chose?

For me, I want to chose the option of other women saving my life. Maybe I am being naive but I really want to believe that women can treat each other and themselves with dignity. So how do we go from the first to the latter? How do we switch from being totally distrustful and uncomfortable to a complete abandonment of fear? I think we all need to break each option down in order to find an equal balance inside ourselves.

In order to not generalize too much, and to take responsibility for my own actions, I will speak for myself. I do not trust other women because I have not been trustworthy. I do not feel comfortable around other women because I know how catty I have been, the gossip I have spread, and drama I have created. I feel judged by women because I judge, the characteristics have changed dramatically from how pretty a woman, to how strong and honest a woman, but the judgment is still very present. Is this how you feel?

I have become incredibly and painfully aware of these problems within myself over the past few years, and they have helped me. They have helped me in that, if I can realize these things within myself, I can change my actions and therefore change my attitude. I can become a more respectable, respectful woman. I can become a good friend to women and therefore women will be good friends to me.

AH HA. The problem has just manifested itself in a completely different way. My expectations it seems have become WAY too high. But are they? Why can't this be true? I feel like it's possible but I also feel like there are only a handful of us out there who understand this concept. Or, if we do, we only apply it to those things which do not interfere with the means to our end.

Anyhow, let me get into the motivation behind this rambling.

I have a friend, a woman that I am very fond of, the ultimate supporter of the sisterhood. She is beautiful, strong, smart and independent. She looks out for herself, her friends and other women with a ferociousness that I have never known possible. She trusts all women she meets, even giving second chances to those who have taken that trust away. She protects all women, no matter the circumstance. I have seen her turn down the smartest, funniest, most good looking guys around, in protection of a woman she has never seen, and sometimes never even heard of, having somehow felt her presence in some obscure way.

I met her and I wanted this. The women around her are strong, and loving, and not catty nor judgmental. She feels no animosity towards jealous or co-dependent girlfriends, she lets women make silly and sometimes life altering mistakes, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. I have never in my entire life met a woman like her. Maybe I am postulating but if I could have just one ounce of her belief in the greater good, I would feel like a saint. But she is not a saint, she is human, with a heart, a very big and breakable one. Her heart has been broken, and not by a stranger but by a friend.

After a terrible and drawn out break up with a long term boyfriend this woman sought the comfort of a close girlfriend. She laid everything on the line, her feelings of hurt and guilt, her anger and her sorrow, all vulnerability gone to this particular woman. Said friend holds her hand for three months, is the shoulder on which every woman needs to cry on. She rages and mourns the loss with my friend and supports her every decision without judgment (again, how do you get this non-judgment? I want some for sure).

Fast forward to Friday. Same supportive friend, same shoulder, same woman, tells my friend... you are never going to believe this shit... "I'm sorry Saint of Sisterhood, Ex-Boyfriend and I have been seeing each other all summer. We haven't been physical yet, I wanted to see how you felt about it?"

Um... I bet every single one of you knows exactly how Saint of Sisterhood feels about this... Hurt, betrayed, broken hearted and LOST. The friend has just taken the trust, the vulnerability, the healing process, the everything that she gave and smashed it into smithereens. But being the person that she is Saint says "I feel hurt and betrayed, I will forgive you, but think about things before you proceed to go any further, and if you do go further it will break my heart to no end." Having said that they maintain plans for Saturday, but as it turns out, Friend has invited Ex-Boyfriend along and goes home with him that night.

This sucks doesn't it? I am sure a lot of you have gone through it, I am sure a lot of you have also done it.

So what do we do? This unerring, damn near perfect sister, has been trampled on. How do you and I, the everywoman continue? If she can't have it, how can we? The thing is, this will not stop her. She has been hurt before, she will chock it up to experience and continue to live her life as she always has. She will proceed with protecting, loving, and supporting all women. She will be a teacher to women like me who want to make our lives better, easier, more supported, hoping that one day, women will help each other instead of fighting every step of the way. Hoping to maybe even to become the compassionate and loving creatures that we are destined to be instead of living up to the stereotype of catty, backstabbing, bitches who can't get out of their own way long enough to make a difference.

I guess I am here now to pass this on to you. If you have hurt or been hurt, this is for you. If you are distrustful, or uncomfortable with other women then listen up. If you want our lives to be more peaceful, then make it happen.

Do not lie, cheat, steal or manipulate. Do not use a woman to replace a relationship then when actual relationship comes along, dump the woman. Do not become involved with boys who you know, or feel, may already be with someone else. Do not manipulate women to be friends with someone, to be popular, or loved, or accepted. Do not sleep with a friend's ex, especially after lying about the whole affair in the first place.

Don't fret, if you have done it, RECTIFY IT.

-If you are a friend/relationship replacer, realize that you have done just that and apologize. The friend might have just loved you unconditionally.
-If you have been with a man who is involved, try, for one moment to put yourself in that person's shoes and do whatever you can to make it right. Apologize, don't blame, recognize that someone's heart is very likely broken.
-DO NOT MANIPULATE. This is the biggest cause of distrust. If we manipulate someone, we will always fear that others are manipulating us.
-If you decide to become involved with a friend's ex, and you have the common courtesy to ask her how she feels about it, and she says "please do not proceed", DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING PROCEED.

I have done it, and my ratification comes with a new way of thinking. I cannot take the person's pain and suffering away, but I can be GODDAMN SURE that I never hurt another person in the same way. As I have mentioned time and time again, I am not unblemished. I have seen, and continue to see faults in myself. The difference is, that I plan to heal. What do you plan to do about it?

One last thing before I finally get off the soapbox...

Is it possible for you to look inside yourself and become a better woman?

A better friend to the woman who loves you unconditionally, or maybe even conditionally?

Is it possible for you to look out for the woman that you do not know, is it possible to protect her when she cannot protect herself, or better yet, when she may not know she needs protection?

Is it possible to be honest with yourself and accept responsibility and learn from your experiences?

Is it possible for once, to put yourself in the other woman's shoes and see what it might be like for her before you rush headlong into something will just hurt you both in the end?

If anything else, please, remember this... For everytime you hurt another woman, you are just hurting yourself. Every time you lie, cheat, manipulate, steal or hurt another woman, you do the same to yourself. These things are the root to your fear and distrust of other women.